


Something Had Changed

by Kitkattu



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friendship, Mentioned Kurosawa Ruby, New Year's Eve, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-14 03:45:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17500925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitkattu/pseuds/Kitkattu
Summary: It had been a few years since Aqours disbanded, and of course a lot of things had changed between the girls throughout the years. Though one thing Hanamaru never thought would changed would be this, and she especially never thought it would ever hurt her so much. But she dares not let the other person see, even if she's convinced they wouldn't care anymore.At a New Year's Eve party, she's still sure of that exact anxiousness and fear, but is surprised to let it all slip out to someone else...





	Something Had Changed

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically a huge vent fic that I started working on at the end of last year ( hence the New Year's Eve party setting ) and have felt a huge need to finish so the feelings can be kind of off my chest. It's something I've felt for a lot of last year, and have had help with since the middle of fall ( like Hanamaru gets at the end of the story, spoiler ) but it's still just nagged at me a tad, so I got inspired to do this.  
> I hope, in a general fictional fic sense, that you all enjoy it! Think of this also as an ending to all the sad Hanamaru fics on this Ao3, and I promise I'll write more happy stuff ( and maybe even different fandoms lol ).

Something had changed.

Of course things were bound to change; people aren’t stationary beings who just stuck to one simple version of themselves forever. People are forever changing form, even in the tiniest of ways; the simplest tweaks in thoughts or speech patterns or senses of humor. For better or for worse, that’s how people adapted or molded into their societies, and people were changing every single day.

It was just a fact of life Hanamaru thought she knew best. Everyone changed, and it was natural to do so.

But she never thought _this_ would change. The feeling deep inside her chest over a person she called her best friend had morphed into something she would’ve never expected; her younger self who had joined Aqours would be in angered disbelief, and her even younger middle-schooler self would feel blanketed by sadness. Hanamaru wondered if she would actually tell those past versions of herself what she was feeling now. Ignorance was bliss afterall, and if she could avoid telling anyone altogether, then maybe that’d be for the best. But no...She would at least have to tell herself. Come clean with the facts and at least acknowledge them before they drove her anymore mad.

That was the fact of life that Hanamaru knew best now. That her best friend no longer felt like her best friend.

Looking on at the gathering of other dear friends of past laughing with comrades and strangers alike against the backdrop of a gorgeous sunset outside huge glass panes, Hanamaru reflected on those feelings. It had been over three years since they first formed Aqours, and almost two years since they had engraved that name into school idol history, and now everyone was gathered together once more. Of course Mari was the one to round everyone up for a New Years party hosted at her family’s Numazu hotel, and then to invite a few thousand more until the place was almost bursting with activity. Her mother and father had almost no hand in arranging the whole thing, but of course their own friends and business partners were invited to marvel at their daughter’s planning and glowing optimism over every little detail. It was a celebration of festivity for all, though it was also a bit of a power move for the wealthy woman to show that she was very capable --- Everyone whispered different impressions on the whole thing while they enjoyed free horderves, from Italy finally shaping her into a refined lady to it being a front her mother forced upon her to excuse all the money she spent, but Hanamaru was just simply amazed yet unfazed.

Mari had grown a bit more adult in her language with certain people, and did have a bit more of an older and wiser vibe to her than when they first knew each other. But she was still Mari. From her bold and bright smile to her gabbing with everyone about her special Stewshine, through and through, she still had the same center deep down. It was just more well-rounded now; formed from worldly experiences. New yet the same. A change for the better that Hanamaru barely noticed, but still marveled at from afar.

The color pink flowing through the air out of the corner of her eye instantly made her chest tighten and her posture straighten, ready for another moment of chitchat that she didn’t know how long it would last; ready to put on a smile and make all of her responses one-note yet caring enough just to keep the mood light. She didn’t want to ruin tonight for anyone. Even with all her reflections; even with her understanding the growing anxiousness in her heart the more she kept those reflections hidden from the world, she wouldn’t let them out, not for a moment. Not here. Not now. One day. Not a forced day, but only on the right day...If that day ever came...

Maybe it was better for everyone if it never did.

The large pink bow on some American-looking girl, maybe about her age, that held the girl’s hair back into a high bun, had nearly made Hanamaru leap right out of her skin; now she was sighing with relief, leaning against the wall she was on to steady herself, catching her breath but not daring to close her eyes. She didn’t want to be startled again. She had to keep her composure should the real woman walk her way.

Hanamaru took a tall glass of rosé from one of the servers walking around and a cup of water from another, before walking out to the garden. Air mixed the scent of both roses and salty sea water was the refreshing and calming boost she needed, and maybe open areas would suit her better than feeling confined to the large yet looming walls of the hotel and the crowds making the atmosphere feel too hot and constraining. She needed to breathe, now more than ever. And of course she chose to do it alone.

She could never tell the others…

Even when she could sense the change coming; even when things started to look just a bit out of the ordinary and take her aback, she could never tell another member about it. _Besides, it was just a rough patch_ , she thought. _Besides, I have to be here to support her_ , she asserted to herself. _Besides, she’s my best friend and she’d do the same for me_ , she added, and then pondered, and then saw through her own words the truth, but only when it was just too late, just too far into it that every notification made her tense and every message or conversation she began to dread, wanting to be there but no longer feeling like she was wanted; no, no longer feeling it even mattered if she was there, the ache and pain of knowing that she was fretting so much over the other’s pain, but then it intensifying when it felt like the pain was worthless; when it felt like the pain didn’t matter against hers; when it felt like the pain would never matter ever again and had never mattered at all to begin with; the pain ---

She wanted _her_ to care about the pain, but she knew _she_ wouldn’t. The pain would be a betrayal. Only _her_ pain really mattered anymore, no matter how much she said otherwise.

Hanamaru doesn’t realize where she is until she bumps headfirst into a man. Looking up, he looked like a diplomat of some sort, but half of the rich people at this party did. She apologized quickly, vision blurring a bit with tears as she worried over whether she spilled his drink on him or his date right behind him. But he assured it was nothing and then promptly strided away, gorgeous model in tow, both seemingly a little tense by the sudden encounter…

She grabs for the railing and realizes she’s on part of the pier. She downs her rosé without a second thought, the glass then firmly planted onto the railing but still clutched in her hand. She didn’t realize how much thoughts could shake a person up, feeling like she could barely stand; feeling like she could barely breathe. Eyes look down on the ocean water but then close altogether when she realizes the water looks more blurry and wavy than it should. She placed her forehead on the railing and tried to control her breathing, wanting the sickeningly dizzy and tense feeling in her body to cease. It was a party, she was supposed to have fun. She should be eating her weight in food and laughing at silly jokes and socializing with everyone like everyone else was doing. But how could she when at least half of the people she once knew would be near _her_ side, chatting her up and introducing her to so many new people. And then they’d ask why they weren’t gabbing away, giggling and hugging like when they were younger, when they were close, when there was something there to smile about ---

She needed to breathe.

She took in a huge breath of fresh air through her nose and then a large exhale out of her mouth, and then did it a few times over before her heart didn’t feel like it’d leap right out of her chest. And then she stayed still, forehead on the pier railing and eyes closed. Thinking...Wondering...Planning. If she could, she would leave early. Make a way to where she just had to tell Mari bye and then make a quick exit before anyone could stop her; she would’ve rathered bolted right now but that was too rude even for her emotional state right now. But she couldn’t stay here. There was no way she could last another hour of tense torture that she brought onto herself.

_She_ pushed her overboard. Maru left when she felt like she was drowning, but regret and hurt always lingered even as she made drier land for herself. A year of pain couldn’t be cast away in a night after all. A year of continued support and devotion being met with empty words in return, a word like ‘love’ holding no more meaning when said by her when she said it so many times and it felt like she didn’t mean it once. When it felt like _she_ just wanted love, and just wanted to hear the exact words she wanted, and all others didn’t matter at all. At least that’s what it felt like; at least that’s what was conveyed; _she_ had such rose-tinted glasses to this idyllic world that could never happen, and everything outside of that perfect vision didn’t matter. No matter how many times she said ‘I love you’, it would never be fully true, because she really only cared about that one thing; that one dream; that thing so toxically out of reality and yet she gripped onto it with an even more toxic vice, and every word over it **_hurt_ ** \---

Hanamaru was tired. Tired of continuously thinking about it and tired because it’s continuously happened. So tired…

“Are you tired, Hanamaru-chan?”

The voice has her bolting upright, both glasses let go of and taking a good couple steps back, feeling like her heart leapt into her throat and her lungs were going to explode. But then the person is grabbing her glasses before they can fall over, looking over Maru with a soft concern reflected in emerald eyes, “I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

It took every fiber in her being not to scream, but now it took every ounce not to cry.

“D-Dia-chan?” She sighed out her name; a huge sigh as a hand gripped onto the railing again, while her other hand was placed over her heart, head hung as she tried to gain control over her breathing again. “O-Oh, it’s okay, zura. I-I’ll be fine.” The truth, if she could make it so fast enough. And she wasn’t, pinching the bridge of her nose as tears welled up in her eyes, planting her feet firmly into the ground and just trying to block everything else out to get a steady breath. Just talk. Tell her your fine; you drank your alcohol too fast and you weren’t used to it ( a lie ), tell her that you can handle yourself ( a lie ), go inside and have fun with the others and don’t coddle; don’t worry; don’t bother ---

“Hanamaru-chan?” She had closed her eyes to block out the world, but then her name is softly spoken so close to her that she has to open then up.

The first thing she sees is her water cup being held in front of her by Dia, the older woman giving her a small smile, but her eyes reflected worry and knowing. What did she know?

“Th-Thank you, Dia-chan…” Hanamaru spoke just as softly, slightly shaky hands reaching out for the glass and taking it, back now leaning against the railing as she looked into still water. Her reflection in the water made her want to cry more, but the slight reflection of black hair made her keep it suppressed, thumb rubbing over the glass. She could see Dia swaying a bit, as if unsure what to do, and she was about to tell her to go inside; that she just needed some time to herself to think and calm down; that’d she go back in eventually to join in on the fun ---

“I-I know we haven’t talked too much,” Dia started before Hanamaru could say anything, “But I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to, okay?” A hand was placed on Hanamaru’s shoulder, but she didn’t look at it, just looking at the reflection in her cup. Dia was looking at her, and then the water glass too, probably wondering if all of Hanamaru’s word were in that cup. A pause, the wind passing by them. Dia’s reflection met her eyes. “...I can get Ruby if you ---”

“ **_No._ **”

Strike. Hanamaru’s mouth moved before her brain told her to stop, almost like a reflex. The mention of her name set her on edge instantly, Hanamaru turning her gaze up to Dia and looking at her as if she had done the unthinkable, expression pained and scared. And then that turned into a different type of fear once she’s realized what she’s done, seeing Dia’s own expression change into something so confused by just a single word. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t…” She doesn’t know how to quite make a lie out of this, the gears in her mind halted from internal shock, taking a step back and gripping her glass tighter in her hand.

“No no, it’s okay…” Dia replied, but Hanamaru knew it was only out of politeness, the older woman trying to process a response herself. The pause that followed was a much more awkward one, with both of them not saying a word save for Hanamaru’s occasional noises, like she has something to say but just...Can’t. She could never tell Dia. It wouldn’t make sense in the older sister’s mind that these two inseparable people had drifted so far apart, especially with not being here half of time to physically see the stress on Hanamaru or the blindness of Ruby. Dia couldn’t know, so Hanamaru had to stay in control; she had to make her leave ---

“I just don’t want her to worry.” Hanamaru finally spoke, though tone didn’t match her words. “Sh-She’s probably having so much fun in there, and I wouldn’t want to ruin her night ---”

“But she’s your best friend, Hanamaru. You both have been through so much together, and you’ve supported each other through it all. Surely she wouldn’t want you like this while she was having fun?”

_...Strike._ Hanamaru took too long to respond. It had been quite a bit since someone offered that as a response; most people she talked to nowadays barely knew about Ruby, and Yoshiko had at least gotten the gist that they weren’t as tight as they used to be. But Dia wouldn’t know about that; she had only ever seen them being like two peas in a pod in past years, so surely she probably thought that it was the same now.

It wasn’t, but Hanamaru couldn’t just say that. Though the shock and silence probably said enough…

“...I-I don’t think it’d be a good idea to tell her, zura.” Hanamaru said finally, voice soft and she knows she sounded a bit sad; a bit distant; her last bit of hope lost, “She just needs to enjoy the party in there, you know?”

“...Why wouldn’t it be a good idea?” Dia questioned, suspicion in her voice as she inched closer.

“It just wouldn’t be.” Her response was a bit stern, but then she bit her tongue, not wanting to assert something and end up slipping down into the dirty truth. This was now an internal battle, and she didn’t want to loosen her hold. “...Y-You know how sensitive she can be sometimes. If she saw how upset I was, she’d probably be just as upset too,” God she wished, “And would want to just take care of me,” God she prayed, “And I would have to take care of her and make sure she knew I was okay.” Too often a lie. “Neither of us would be having a good time then, zura.” The most truthful statement.

Dia chuckled a bit at that, patting Hanamaru’s shoulder once more. “Ah yes, that could be the case if you told her. Ruby is really connected her emotions, isn’t she?” No, _this_ was the most truthful statement.

“ _Exactly,_ ” She started, sounding exacerbated but also thankful for the small bit of understanding, easing a bit to Dia’s touch. “So I don’t want her to be upset, because I know she’ll be, and that would just make both of us more upset, zura. A-And I don’t want to see that; she should be here having fun, not worrying over something like this ---”

“But that’s exactly what you’re doing, isn’t it?” The counter made Hanamaru shut her mouth, seeing Dia give her a sisterly smile making her own mouth press into a thin line, all at once becoming a bit tense again. She wasn’t lying, but there was a reason for Hanamaru’s upset, even if Hanamaru wouldn’t tell it. Dia had those eyes again, like she knew that fact too. “I know both of you being upset wouldn’t be good, but just being upset alone isn’t much better.”

_Maybe it was_ , she almost spoke, but she sucked back in those words with the wind through her teeth. _Maybe I’m used to this way again,_ she almost spilled, but all she did was exhale a large sigh, shivering as another gust passed them. “...Maybe it isn’t, but it’d be better that way, zura. R-Ruby’s been through some hard times this year; you know that…”

At that Dia paused, looking a bit more serious, gaze falling. “...Yes, I know. Some relationship drama and the world not going exactly how she wanted it to have hurt her ---”

“Which is why I can’t tell her.” Hanamaru cut her off, feeling like she was finishing her sentence and getting this moving to a conclusion. Though that was only the bare bones explanation for what happened; a poor cliff notes of what really went on in the whole narrative that was still being written. “So much happened, and she wouldn’t want me going to her all hurt and distressed to just add more pain on top of her heart. I wouldn’t want to make her handle that.”

Dia had been taken aback by the words spat at her, Hanamaru could see that and she felt a bit panicked by it. And then Dia’s rubbing Hanamaru’s back with one of her hands, with an expression that said beckoned her to relax, “Hanamaru, that’s admirable of you to do, but still...You can’t just suffer alone. And yes, we both know Ruby can be sensitive, but you saw in Aqours how she got more confident and brave. You were so proud of her in Hokkaido, weren’t you?” Yes she was, but that was past. “I’m sure she would want to be here for you.” Maybe back then, but not now. “And I’m sure she could handle it and take care of you ---”

“She wouldn’t.” Hanamaru could throw up at the sound of her own voice, feeling the blood rush from her face as she admitted the fact out loud. “Sh-She just,” She started, trying to back pedal, wishing Dia wouldn’t push further, “She’s changed, yes, but we agreed that she can still be so emotional, and with what happened I feel like it wouldn’t be good if I ---”

“She would though, Hanamaru-chan. Even if you both haven’t talked as often as you did in high school, she’ll still be there for you ---” Stop.

“B-But she should just enjoy the party and not worry about me; negative emotions would just get her down, and even with her saying it’d be fine to talk it would ruin her night ---”

“It wouldn’t ruin anything. The night would be ruined if she knew she left you out here all hurt and alone ---” Stop.

“No it wouldn’t be; i-it’d be better if she just stayed inside and had the night of her life with everyone else ---”

“Everyone except you? Hanamaru-chan, listen to yourself and think if that’s really how it’d be. Ruby would want to take care of you ---” _Stop._

“No she wouldn’t, Dia. She would rather be in there, partying with you and Yoshiko and everyone else, living in her future, living her perfect life ---”

“Hanamaru ---”

“She would rather have her perfect life that she’s always dreamed of; the one she’s had set in her mind and wants to get exactly right ---”

“Wait, listen ---”

“And that life doesn’t have me at the forefront anymore; I’m not even a part of the narrative; Ruby would rather stay in there than be here ---”

“Hanamaru, she'd be here for you, that’d never change ---”

“Oh no, it _has_ changed! All of what you’re saying has changed!” Hanamaru screamed, voice cracking, clenching her glass so tight that if she noticed she’d be surprised it didn’t break. She knew her words were sounding more heated as the kept going on, but at some point she stopped caring. The whole back forth had made her want to curl up into a ball and never come out; never say another word; it was driving her insane; lies that Dia didn’t know were lies being flung in her face; she wanted them to **_stop_ **.

“All of this call to friendship and love and happiness; all of that between me and her has changed completely from a loving bond to a one-sided rollercoaster of hurt and regret! Maybe I could’ve been more assertive over the things I thought she did wrong or maybe just a bit less of a follower to her beliefs, wanting to make her so happy and craving her smile, but in the end I got sucked into an anxious void trying to please her and she didn’t care because she couldn’t see the flaws; no, she _chose_ not to! She chose her words herself; she chose to say she only cared about this one goal and future for herself and that nothing else mattered; she chose to tell me that my friendship was basically **worthless** compared to it! She was the one being so self-centered; nothing matters except what she wants and I’m not a part of that; no, she only my words that she wants to hear, and then everything else goes in one ear and out the other! She wants this one toxic, rose-colored vision, and she only cares about that; nothing else; not any of her other friends; not me; no matter what she’s said I still won’t matter in the end because I want her to know the people around her love her but she said so herself that she just wants her; she just wants this one future; she just doesn’t care about anyone else; even me; _especially_ **_me,_ ** even though I have always been by her side **_sh-she_ **...!”

**_Strike. Out._ **

Hanamaru screamed into the twilight sky, bursting with an energy she had kept within for so long, words she had never dare speak rather than think finally out in the open. But just saying them, while refreshing, didn’t set her free. It just solidified them, and made them hurt more.

Dia had gotten the truth, and Hanamaru prayed she’d never tell a soul.

The reality of all of her shouting sank in and then she’s screaming at the dock instead, water glass making a loud clank as she slammed it to the ground, falling to her knees as she didn’t have enough strength to keep standing. All of her strength left her in the shouting. Now there was only screaming into her sobs, tears spilling down her face faster than waterfalls as her forehead rested on the dock as well. She wanted to just lie down; let the ocean waves gently tuck her into sleep so she could sleep off this whole nightmare. The growing fear that Dia might tell anyone any of this made Hanamaru start to shake; the fear that Dia might go straight to Ruby made her quake, her breath getting caught in her throat and making her choke at the force, coughing up a lung before she’s searching with blurred vision to see if Dia was still there so she could stop her ---

Right in front of her face. Hand placed on her shoulder, firmly, gripping her. Eyes looking like they knew something. Expression looking so apologetic.

“I had thought something was off. You guys not being at each other’s side was so strange, but I...I never imagined _this_.”

Tears. Wiping them away and then wiping Hanamaru’s own, except Hanamaru’s wouldn’t stop falling so she gave it up. Instead Dia gripped both of her shoulders, so tight as if she was afraid something would happen if she let go, and just stared at Hanamaru. Eyes locked, emeralds looking into watery honey irises. Both of them shaking, but Dia being much stronger whilst Hanamaru felt like she’d collapse if Dia wasn’t holding her.

The truth out, but just to one. The truth out…

                                                                      But it was okay?

“ _I’m so sorry._ ”

The words she had always wanted to hear. At least those three, and with all the meaning Dia packed into them. Those three, with true meaning, were so powerful.

Though Hanamaru was surprised by them at first, hearing them coming from the older Kurosawa being so...Odd, to say the least. Even her sobbing paused to mere hics that shook her whole chest, hearing straining for anything else, eyes straining to see if this was a lie too. It wasn’t. Even after all these years Hanamaru knew the looks of the Aqours members, and Dia gave her such a warm smile reserved only for heartfelt moments. Was this heartfelt? Did Hanamaru even deserve the kindness of simple words and smile from someone who…

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” She choked out, hearing how her voice now strained in a hoarse tone, but all her sadness was now etched into the words. She wanted Dia to at least know that much; she did nothing wrong, so why was she apologizing ---

“But you’re hurting aren’t you? Because you and Ruby drifted like this, and your reasoning why that is certainly feels painful. And even though you love her it doesn’t excuse what you feel, or what’s happened, or what damage has been done.” Dia interrupted, putting out more simplicity, but also more truth. Yes, through all this year, it hurt. Through trying to be there yet feeling like there was no point in doing so, it hurt. Through feeling pains of her own but feeling like it’d be a waste to vent them; that they wouldn’t matter to her or that she wouldn’t actually care, of course ---

“You’re right.” She croaked out once more, her sobs bubbling up her throat again as she hung her head. “A-And that’s why I just can’t tell her. I don’t want her to be hurt, but I’m scared that she won’t be or that she’ll too much so; that she’ll either never talk to me or just fly off the handle, and I…” She paused to take a breath, hands releasing her water cup, “...I don’t want to care about that anymore. I don’t want to hurt over all of that anymore; I just want to be done ---”

“Then be done.”

A moment of stunned silence, looking up at Dia again to see the seriousness glinted in her eyes, brows furrowed and smile down. She older woman moved the water glass to their sides, and Hanamaru just silently watched the motion, before watching Dia inch closer towards her. “I love my sister dearly,” Dia started again, eyes trained on her as if she was trying to ingrain all of these words into Hanamaru’s mind, “All of our friends know that. And I’ve loved your friendship and how dedicated you were to protecting her and making her smile; I felt I could count on you once I left for University to take care of her.” If that didn’t feel like a stab to the gut, Hanamaru didn’t know what, but Dia raised one of her hands in front of her before Hanamaru could say a word. “ _But,_ I know things happen. I know you can’t protect her from everything, and I know everyone gets hurt at something. I also know that...That people can drift apart. That they don’t meet eye to eye anymore, or that someone changes for better or for worse and it’s hard for the other person to really be there...Or that one person hurts the other so much…” Dia paused, brows scrunting up more as she looked on at Hanamaru, taking a deep breath. “...This isn’t like Mari and Kanan though. It’s not a painful separation that we thought was for the better for our friend; this is a hurt for the worst that one friend can’t see. And even if Ruby can’t see that, it doesn’t mean that it’s not valid. Even if Ruby hurts, that doesn’t mean your own pain doesn’t matter. You love her and care about her deeply, but if you think she doesn’t care like she says she does; if you’re hurting this much from it all…”

Dia wrapped Hanamaru in a hug. One of the warmest hugs Hanamaru had felt in awhile. Black hair brushing against her left cheek, Dia’s chin resting on her left shoulder, arms pulling her close. “...Be done with it, Hanamaru. It’d probably be best to tell her why; to tell her why you’re so distant or not talking to her that much, but do that when you can. Right now both of you need to do stuff for yourselves to heal. Right now you need to help you.” Dia nuzzled a bit into Hanamaru’s neck, eyes glistening…

Hanamaru nuzzled back, before her own arms wrapped around the older woman, nodding before placing her forehead on the other’s shoulder, weeping the rest of her tears onto Dia’s dress. She could feel small circles being rubbed into her back, and she couldn’t help but mimic the motion a bit, hearing a light breathy laugh come out of Dia in response. And they stayed like that for what felt like forever, the twilight sky slowly fading until the sun barely left any color in the night sky. The dock lights switching on one by one, almost to mimic the temporary light feeling Hanamaru felt on her heart.

Or maybe it wasn’t temporary...Maybe this time it would last.

She had cried until she physically couldn’t anymore, now just resting against Dia’s shoulder to let out shaky huffs of air or strained sounds. Dia stayed with her all the while. Not speaking anymore but just being here was enough for Hanamaru. Feeling just a bit of comfort; just a bit of the warmth that she had needed amidst all that she had been feeling, was enough. She had never imagined Dia would give that kind of support to her, but now she felt eternally grateful for it, sounds and sighs soon fading into just breaths.

Needing to breathe...And being able to.

Hanamaru slowly sat up, a bit wobbly, but Dia kept her steady with hands placed again on shoulders. Red, puffy, stinging eyes met clear emeralds again, Dia giving her a serious yet soft smile yet again. Hanamaru tried to mimic it, though she could only produce a small, obviously tired look. And then her water glass is grabbed and presented to her again, and this time she accepted it and started gulping it down, the water almost gone by the time she needed to stop for a breath. Fresh, cold water felt so good to her broken system, almost like it filled in some of the cracks and healed her a bit. “...Th-Thank you, Dia-chan.” She said after a moment, appreciative for the moment they just shared and the secret that she was now a part of being...Hanamaru tensed a bit again, one last pang of fear hitting her, “Y-You won’t tell anyone --- ?”

“Not a soul.” Dia stated, matter-of-factly and instantly, “Unless you would want me to.” And the fear subsided at that. If she wanted to...The choice felt nice. And Dia was a professional one who could keep something hidden well, the third years incident coming to mind and how she kept Kanan’s motives a secret until absolutely necessary to reveal them. Hanamaru believed that she still could keep such a thing under wraps, especially with their shared bonding moment just now. And she believed she wouldn’t reveal them; the secret was just as personal, and yet...Different. It was something only she could really say, and she felt both of them knew that. But for now…

“...I think I’m gonna head home, zura.”

Dia nodded, “I think that’s a smart idea. You need your rest.”

Hanamaru nodded back, but then paused, brow furrowing slightly. “...C-Could you maybe call me a cab? I don’t think it’d be safe for me to ride my bike, and my voice…” She trailed off, her smile much softer as she looked up apologetically at Dia. The older woman just shook her head and smiled brighter, “Of course, Hanamaru-chan. I could even ask Mari to use one of the drivers here if you want?” Hanamaru’s eyes widened a tad, not having thought about that. Maybe because she was afraid of Mari asking questions or Ruby seeing her leave, but...She nodded at the offer, it being the easiest one after all. There wouldn’t be much of a charge if any since it was an Ohara driver, both by boat and on land, and even if Ruby saw her she’d be on her way...Growing for herself; doing things for herself…

Dia simply nodded back, grabbing one of Hanamaru’s hands before lifting her to her feet, taking the empty rosé glass while Hanamaru picked up the rest of her water. The stood for a moment to make sure Hanamaru was balanced enough and their feet were awake, and then they started heading back through the garden and towards the large hotel. No guest outside, thank goodness, and barely a soul hanging out near the glass doors. “Want to wait here?” Dia asked, and Hanamaru instantly nodded her head with gusto, before blushing at the action. Dia just chuckled and rubbed the top of her head, “Okay then. I’ll try not to be long.” And then Dia was gone off into the hotel, Hanamaru watching as she casually greeted people she walked past, before then leaning her back against the wall near the doors. Looking up, the stars were glittering so brightly in the night sky, planting little bits of light into such darkness...It made Hanamaru smile.

Being able to breathe...Enjoying the feeling while it lasted.

“Hanamaru-chan?” The sudden voice brought her from her thoughts, looking over to see Dia with Mari in tow. She tensed a bit at the sight of the much bubblier woman, but Dia’s handing her her coat and purse before she can worry too much. “Mari and I are going to lead you up front. I explained to her how you weren’t feeling so well ---”

“And it’s just a tragedy!” Mari exclaimed in an overdramatic fashion, hands placed on Dia’s shoulders and letting out a large sigh of disappointment, “Our poor little Maru getting sick on one of the best nights of the year! It’s no way to start off a new one, which is why you need to go home and rest immediately!” At that, Mari targeted Hanamaru next, arms draped over her shoulders to bring her into a tight embrace. Hanamaru tensed a tad, but then it melted away into Mari’s warmth, almost sinking into it; how could a person be as hot as a furnace? She even closed her eyes, feeling more tired than ever, though hearing both women giggle at the sight kept her awake.

“I-I’m sorry I can’t stay,” She started however, even with the comforting embrace she couldn’t help but get a pang of guilt in her chest, “I wish I could. I-I know you had such a fireworks show planned and ---”

“Oh no need to get upset over that; you’ll probably be able to see it from your apartment!” Mari reassured in her usual chipper way, leading Hanamaru around one side of the hotel with Dia trailing close behind.

“I think you overspent on the show then, Mari-chan. I bet even Hokkaido would be able to hear it and think the distant light was the north star.”

“Oooooh, if Sarah and Leah could see it then it’d be the perfect New Year’s gift, no?”

“No, it wouldn’t be. They’d probably want to enjoy a quiet evening with their family.”

“Eeeeh, Dia-chan, don’t be like that~ They had said they would’ve loved to be here too if they could’ve been, and I’m sure that would be a great gift to remind them that we’re still thinking about them! Right, Maru-chan?”

“Mm...I think they would like that, zura.” She stated calmly, not realizing the serene smile on her face as she listened to Dia and Mari banter back and forth. “Though maybe they would’ve liked a cake or something too?”

“A cake! Maru, you’re so right; they’re probably just eating some store-bought thing right now instead of a delicious Ohara one-of-a-kind masterpiece!” Mari exclaimed enthusiastically at Hanamaru’s words, nuzzling her, “You are always on top of food things; such a smart girl~”

“Mari-chan, you’re smothering her.”

“Dia-chan, I’m just praising her~ A little praise won’t kill her, now will it?”

Hanamaru turned towards Dia just to see her signature glare directed right at Mari, but then a sigh in defeat as Dia rubbed the top of Hanamaru’s head again. “No, it won’t.”

“Ooooh, do I get a headpat too then~?”

“Sure, if your fireworks don’t set the town on fire.”

“Mou, Dia-chan, nothing like that will happen!”

All the women chuckled at the remark, Hanamaru finally surprised at how light the mood had become around her. Not that she was complaining though. She needed this. Warmth seeped into her soul…

Seeing the Ohara marked car made Hanamaru part from Mari’s hold, putting on her coat and purse before turning to stare at both older women in front of her. Her friends. Both with genuine goodness in their hearts, and one containing a secret to never be spilled. Mari was the first to hug Hanamaru again, this time a much softer hug than before, pulling away quickly with a grin. “I’m going to text you around midnight to see if you made it home safe, okay? And then after you answer me you better turn your phone off and get yourself right into bed so you can sleep!” Hanamaru nodded at that with an understanding look in her eyes, making Mari all the giddier.

And then Dia was next, hugging Hanamaru and then pulling away to pat her on the head one last time. “I’ll text you if Mari forgets ---”

“Which I won’t, but still!”

“--- And tomorrow at a reasonable time with some advice as to help you get better faster.” Dia sighed into her words when Mari interjected, Hanamaru letting out a soft chuckle again before sniffling a bit, rubbing her nose.

“I’d appreciate that, Dia-chan, zura. Thank you.”

Dia smiled warmly down at her, “Not a problem at all, Hanamaru-chan.”

Hanamaru nodded, before opening the backdoor to the car and slowly climbing inside, shutting it and nodding her head at the driver before he nodded back. Turning to wave to Dia and Mari as the car started to drive off towards the docks to where she could get a ride back home; waving and seeing them wave back, Mari enthusiastic whilst Dia was calm, before they just became little figures, then specks, then gone. Sitting properly in her seat, she still looked out the car window beside her, the sea and the stars zooming by her. A calm silence filling the car, then soft jazz playing as the driver turned it on to fill the space. Hanamaru sank into her seat as Dia’s words sank into her mind, yawning as she messed with her coat strings.

Be done with it...You need to help you...And she would. It would probably be a slow climb to it, but she would give herself the room and self-love she needed, even just little steps at a time.

She would breathe again...The light would last again.


End file.
